Elitist

When I was doing my post grad, I was assigned an advisor. Her job was to help me with a project I was working on, mentor me and advise me. Of the 20ish students that were assigned to her, she only liked 2 or 3. I was not one of the chosen favourites. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was in the bottom 5 of students she disliked the most. 

One Wednesday in February...I'll never forget this day...after having a meeting with her that morning and seeing her several times on campus that day, she decided to call me at home. Why she didn't talk to me when I she saw me that day or ask me to stop by her office before I left, I will never know. Why it was so important for her to say these things to me that she had to call me at home (which she had never done before and which she never did again), I will never know. I will also never know why they couldn't have waited until the following week when I was back on campus (I had class Monday-Wednesday and did placement Thursday-Friday).

Why did she call me?

Basically, to tell me what a horrible person I am.

I don't remember everything she said to me, but it was a lot of hurtful (and untrue) things. There were two things that she said to me, that really stood out and I have never forgotten:

1. That I was an elitist
2. I wouldn't accomplish anything in life and if I did, it would be because of who my dad is

For the record, I do not and have not ever considered myself an elitist. Prior to that conversation, I had accomplished a lot on my own. Both of my parents were (and are) supportive of what I do, but my dad made sure that I did things on my own and for myself. In fact, my dad owns his own company and he told me I would need to get 5 years experience in the industry before he would even talk...talk, not hire...to me about coming to work for the company. I have one more year to go.

Anyway, I feel I handled the conversation well. I was calm, polite...I told her that those were her opinions and we were all entitled to our own opinions. I also told her that I was sorry she felt that way.

The conversation ended with her telling me to enjoy my weekend and me bursting into tears as soon as I hung up.

I called one of my closest friends at the time and told him what happened. After he calmed me down enough so that he could understand what I was saying, he went into what I call "Captain Mode". He was the captain of his hockey team and started talking to me like one of the guys on his team:

1. Calmed me down
2. Put things in persepective
3. Gave advice
4. Pumped me up

Another conversation I will never forget...and a conversation I often go back to. He built my confidence up after it had been torn down. He also told me that just because I didn't have a 'leader title' (like captain or event chair), didn't mean I couldn't be a leader or set an example. 

Years later, I am finding myself in a situation, that is reminding me of this advisor. I have two people who are supposed to, as part of their jobs, advise, help and mentor me. One won't talk to me and the other has flat out said he doesn't care and won't help me. 

 

There is so much more to this situation... It started almost a year ago and continually got worse. Things started to get really bad in November and escalated from there.

 

Unlike that time from my post grad...I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have anyone to put things in perspective or build my confidence up again. 

I've reached my breaking point. I'm feeling a lot of things, including defeated. I'm really struggling.